Today is Matt's Birthday
Megan Megale • November 16, 2019
I dread this day every year but sadly, I dread many days. I know I will never be the same person I was when he was with me, and I never ask whether I will ever be rid of this sadness so deep inside, because I know the answer to this. I do not want to hear, “time is a great healer,” please do not tell me, “he struggled so much here he is in a better place,” unless you can prove to me you know that for a fact. I have been to a psychic, a priest, and anyone else that professed to have insight that I do not have, but no one has yet convinced me of any specific conclusions. These are dynamics every parent that grieves a child, struggle with.
So, I manage with the specifics I am in control of.
*I am still, the mother of three, one in Heaven, two on earth. WORD TO THE WISE: Don’t challenge me on that, you don’t want to go there.
*He may have struggled while he was here, but was loved every second on earth, and loved even more now in every memory I hold in my heart.
*My life has dramatically changed, but every year that passes, I change too. I am a different person today than when I got married, so why would it not make sense that the loss of Matt would not drastically change me too. That makes sense to me. I don’t like it, but it makes sense to me.
*Not for one second, even knowing the outcome, would I not have wanted to be the parent of Matt.
*and finally, I have been under the misconception that life is easy, it is not. Life is really, I’m saying that again, really, hard, and harder now than ever. I accept that. It sucks, but I accept that.
So Happy Birthday My Love. You are on every book shelf in my office, you reside in my pocketbook, travel up and down from DC to NY weekly, you attend in my briefcase every meeting I attend, we food shop together, and go to Costco where I buy all kinds of things I do not need, we’ve even been dress shopping together.
I look at this as a positive, as those were things we never did together before. There’s an upside to everything.
I so deeply love and miss you my son.
Your Mom
